~Myself~

I’m drowning in my own facades

At my own expense, I keep up the pretence

The mere words I hear my mouth speak

Irks me to the point of regurgitation

I detest myself for being subdued

I disappoint myself for caring

It riles me when I hear him speak

Emotions, reassurance, he is weak

The undesirable crave has washed itself away

The mysterious ways which held me intact

Has suddenly lost its appeal

I am straying away, I feel myself give way

The pieces of the wall has eroded

It has cause pieces of me to weaken

It has not lost its strength,

just it’s hope to ever love another

I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to talk

I don’t want to think, I don’t want to hurt

I don’t want to think for you, I don’t want to think for two

I want to love myself, live for myself, reasons and purpose I chose for myself

I don’t want to dream, I want to stay in my black hole

The hole I built comfort in over the years

I want to reach my goals, and give my family a home

I want to live with myself and by myself

I want my heart, I want my time, I want my love….

I just want me…..

C.C 09′

The Dwellings

Twigs of my imagination

Encompasses the strings of dreams

Tangled and clustered, making waves like a turbo machine

Realization sets in and begins to take over

Signboards and posters were there on track

A warning device for this enduring, weak heart of mine

Blindly not heading the countless cracks

Leaves me back to square one, start of time.

Attempting to erase the stain indented in my soul

Specks of dust as it flies away leaving its deep mark

A mark so permanent, merely looking causes tears to unfold

The memory of the last goodbye, hurting to part

Careless, foolish heart

The wheels of time go over and over in my head

The beats of its fascination went overboard too fast

As I nod in agreement, to say the least, it ends itself

It begins to make its own sense….

C.C 09

Missing You

It’s only been awhile, and my heart is calling out your name

The overwhelming surprise that you left a mark so powerful

An indication that you are here with me despite the unspoken of distance,

I get the feel that I have reached the deep end for you and I am not afraid to admit that I love you…

It ain’t easy to want to scream your name instead whispers follow

For you are so far away and the only message I can get across

Are the beatings of my hearts in sync rhythm with yours..

The smell of what reminds me of you

Sweeps pass my senses as I carry on throughout the day

I know you are with me, as I recount the events of yesterday

I know you are with me, a deep treasured chest I hold so dear

I’m afraid of losing the vulnerability I have now

I’m afraid of the shield that I would build up as a result

I know that the love will never die down, so on that note,

It’s for certain that I would be jumping in your arms in no time…

I miss having your hugs to go to for a squeeze

I miss hearing your voice which lifts me up after a bad day

I miss the frustrations you cause when we have our communication default

I miss the after discussion when all is good and thrashed out

A home I have in you, a heart I have because of you

An openness I long to breathe when it concerns you,

Your arms i want to fall into, the minutes, I wished would go quicker

Till the day I feel you close again, feel you close with me….

C.C 09

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Heart to Heart

The anticipation for the return

The one true person the heart desires

Longliness creeps in the middle of the night

Silence melts the over ached heart

Instincts of the soul chooses to relate

In a combination of words, an avenue for release

Attempting to retreat into a place of adrenaline

Seeking for adventures, quenching the loneliness

A path that leads to nowhere, she is fully aware

Her feet rooted to the ground, for her one, only

The days passes, the minutes ticked

She knows she’s evolving, her heart is beating

Alive and whole, yet pierced and wounded

The cries, wailing in agony as she awaits….

The return of her true one, her one, only one….

C.C 09

The Being

It’s the assimilation of one’s heart and mind

To be capitulated by one being in a way never before

For a fraction of the time one breathes, one flies

For the time to take to fall in love was never enough

The courteous of souls, the manners of a gentleman

All too easily spoken unless seen by the naked eye

The warmth of a man, the gentleness of a feather friend

All too blind unless felt by one’s own plight

Doubts seldom passed by, Fear rarely got the better

Trust was never the issue, Communication was the matter

The virgins of all virgins was living its name

The downfall it would be to this amazing voyage

Realization set in, one feels the knife pierce

To run a mile away, to stay and face the pain

It was never the question to be heard of

For to leave was a choice to hard to make

It was then one realized the raw emotion one carried

It was then one understood the depth of feelings one had

It was not the same, it was new, and it was foreign, affection to the highest point

It was something to precious to let go off or to contemplate letting go

It was real, it was honest, and it was hers to make whole and home….

The endless sudden distance, puts her bluntly to the test

The independence she deserves yet the softest of love received

She values this gift, the surprising gift of acceptance

One, who is blessed, now sees light to the gray areas

Savoring the abundant hope it brings

To a once murk, shadowy future

Being realistic but appreciating

The being who lifts her high yet accepts her flaws

The being who has her heart in his hands…..

C.C 09’

Is it Love

Mastering the cartwheel inside my head

Picture is unfolding, so long it stays

Solving the equation of landing safely on my feet

Figuring out the questions you’ll hear from me

You say I try to blend into the crowd

Forgetting my heritage as a result

You say change is good, if not you’re a fool

Now I place these questions to you

If my heart beats a zillion times, is it love

And I run to where you are from a distant call….

If I place my heart in the grasp of your palms, is it love

If I wanna see you old and grey, is it absurd

If I love the way you look at me, is it wrong

If you make me the way I am, how do i explain

Starring blanky at the walls, picturing your smile

I know you take on all these woes, give it up

Does it take this long to wonder how good it’d be

Inching closer, dreading reality

Facing the future, what’s wrong if it’s with me

Have the faith, love will get us through

Cos I know my maker made me for you…..

If my eyes can see the richness of your soul

And it wants to be a part of  all your sorrows

If I wanna hold you close, tell you no to cry, is it love

If  the world comes crashing down on us, I’d be fine

Cos I know your right beside me, holding tight

This is it, I am in love with you…

It Is….

It’s so hard not to melt by the soul in your eyes

It’s so hard not to smile to your stories all the time

It’s so hard not to lean forth whenever you seek

It’s so hard not to be smitten by the very words you speak

It’s so interesting that resist is so dreadful

It’s so calming that sensations are brewing

It reassures the faith in you, the blessing felt when with you

It’s so hard not to accept a rendezvous with you

It is so torturing to hesitate to hold you

It torments the very being facing the truth

The truth of our paths never colliding

The crossroad is a choice of our own

The future is a plan of our own

Yet the truth of the hearts contradicts

Where we will be? Only whispers echo.

It is to embrace every moment

It is to take in every breath

It is to make every second count

To live the love that is alive for now

To value the joy you bring

To value the presence you give

To make the gift worthwhile

The gift that you have touched me by

No hopes, no dreams, no visions

Just the mere illusion that you have created

That makes me believe in love again

It’s so hard not to fall in love with you

Over and over again…

Every new beginning, every new separation

Every adventure, every conversation

I know it’s you….

You are the reason for the wait

You are the gift my maker has made

You are the hidden angel I’m not suppose to take

Contented by you just being a part of me

The substance of relief that you truly exist

It’s hard not to imagine you as a figment of my imagination

For the good of my soul, for the depth of your love

You are real and it’s not hard to believe that…

C.C 09

A prisoner, I am

I feel like a prisoner
lost inside myself
time ticks as per normal
I’m still sitting by the shelf

Factors and equations about life
Twirling, spinning in my mind
World surrounding me
Tiny aspects of hope tarnished’

I feel like a prisoner
Trapped in my own thoughts
Solutions… and I am a planner
My spirit and being fights

A tug of war as I resist
Walking and taking the path that is pre paved
A leash adorn tightly around my waist
A puppet of my maker, I need to be save

Countless of voices
Numerous deadlines
Countless of expectations
The wheel keeps spinning, when will it come to a halt

A prisoner, I find myself
Balancing on a thin thread
Keeping my feet steady but for how long
Keeping my mind afloat, awaiting the storm…

C.C 09

A Nod Of a Head

A nod of a head and what was once there, is no longer

A nod of a head and what you hope for falls deep into the pits

A presence defined, with a sudden halt, it’s gone

A place of solace, alone, she sits and awaits the mist

A nod of a head, inevitable decisions are made

Options may or may not have been exhausted, she has met her fate

A single gesture, its time to change, the once ignited light….extinguishes

She has no strength, no spark left to diminish

A nod of a head and you find yourself half empty on a shelf

The repercussions of an already broken vase

The crystal dust from the shattered pieces

The remnants of its past glory as a mended adornment

A nod of a head, a wonder….. An effect it has on one

Too simple an action yet dreadful destruction it creates

The root of it all is straightforward,

Its manifestation of a trapped soul

She bows her head low…….

C.C. 09

A Wandering Button

A miniature figment that resembles the tiniest existence

A significant role of being yet under appreciated

The desire to serve its purpose yet undermined

The ignorance from its creator, what absurdity

So humble and meek, it has lost its way

Once filled with determination, now fear as to its next destination

Floating in the abyss with no realization of its worth at present

Cloudy arrangement and rocky tribulations, when will it be found?

Clinging on to hope and dreams,

It drifts further filled with excitement and certainty

Bursting with mixed emotions on the adventure that lies ahead

It embraces the plight, indulges the climax and absorbs the unforeseen…

C.C 09